Most nights, I go to bed so grateful for my boho bedroom and my yummy queen-size bed. As I nestle myself in the dead center, I pull up my Himalayan pink sea salt-colored sheets and my favorite yummy plush beige blanket; it feels like a cloud. I love having my own bedroom. I don't have any plans ever to relinquish a side of my bed. Last night as I was drifting off, I was melancholy after realizing I had lost another friendship. I know this happens after a divorce, so I am not shocked, but still shocked. I began talking to myself about all the nourishing friendships that I have dreamed about. I felt gratitude again as I drifted off to sleep.
This morning I sat at my altar meditating,
I reflected on the feelings I had the night before.
Who do I want to be?
How do I want to show up in this life?
Healing has been sad, scary, and lonely all at once. If I turn my head to the right, that's what I see. I mostly choose to turn my head to the left; it feels better to focus on the joy and blessings that have flown into my life, I spent way too long obsessing on hurt. I am choosing to pour my energy into the relationships that feed me. This is one of the many lessons I learned through tragedy, it is still teaching me.
Reciprocity, to earn the love I am given, I need to give it. Therefore, I am responsible for healing my wounds and past traumas. My relationships provide opportunities for growth by moving past my comfort zone and engaging in love. I am forced to explore myself and create what I want. Since reflecting, I learned that I don't want anything I couldn't give. I need space to breathe, explore and flourish. I outgrew the isolated box I spent most of my life crouched inside, walls covered in fear, with no cute HomeGoods throw pillows; it was a sad little box.
It seems some relationships leave to make way for new ones. That's how I am accepting this today. Although, I do wish losing people didn't hurt as badly as it does. I am grateful that I am vulnerable and can feel sad because it also means I can feel love. Someone recently asked me if I missed my family, and I do. I always miss my brother and sister, which feels so much better than resenting them. They aren't walking with me anymore. I had to lose them to find myself, trying to force a relationship there kept me stuck in my own way. I have noticed that some relationships required so much energy that they clouded my vision and kept my feet from moving where they needed to go. Since I was in the eye of the tornado, so I didn't know. This is one of those "hindsight is twenty-twenty" deals.
Looking back at my grief and sadness surrounding lost relationships, I see the hidden blessings. My eyes are different and ever-changing.
We have to walk through the fire.
We have to feel the hurt.
We have to peel.
It's precisely how it's supposed to be.
I wrote this in my journal today
In healing we shed layers, some hurt and some slough off. Walk toward healing always and your path will always be blessed. Miracles don't look like miracles, they are usually enrobed in pain. Stand solidly on your foundation and unwrap your miracle.
Why did I write this?
I wanted to write something to illuminate the personal growth at the hand of social relationships.
I also wanted to highlight our choice in how we view situations.
Finally, I wanted to show the opportunity to find the gratitude or blessing behind each situation that hurts.
Peace and Love,
Jess
