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My god, I am uncomfortable

Updated: Feb 14

My mornings start with meditation and journaling, I reflect on the day before to never spill a drop, any lesson that has the potential to be learned, I want to learn it.

Today I am thinking about yo-yo's. The term yo-yo is used a lot in terms of dieting. It describes the process of starting, giving up, and starting over. We don't quit because something is wrong, we simply aren't comfortable, we don't want to be hungry, and we experience hunger as bad. Unfortunately, that hunger might have had a lesson to teach. There is likely some inner strength that can be gleaned through being just a little bit hungry. Relationships can be another yo-yo space where we avoid change. Unfortunately, if we don't grow, we stay the same person, we attract the same person, and then we repeat the same broken painful patterns (no thank you). We could choose to stay a little uncomfortable and glean a little strength. If discomfort is a catalyst for growth and yet avoid it we better be ready to start over and do it again, and again.

I think I would rather move forward than repeat the same of anything. And so I have to embrace my uncomfortability and my muchness.

Hi, my name is Jessika and I am a handful.

When I look at the uncomfortability from this place, it feels useful. I am strong enough to sit and learn. We get uncomfortable for a reason. We are outgrowing something, learning something, healing something, we are changing. If we stay conscious we flourish and change for the better. I struggle often and even as I struggle I breathe and explore the turning gears in my head. Health isn't the absence of struggle, it's staying present and aware in the face of it.

I am embarrassed by my muchness at times. I feel deeply and the gears in my head spin even when there are people around, even when I am all dressed up and looking cute, those bitches spin, it's just Jess. Gratefully, I live in a state of reflection and revision, that's what my health looks like. At times I wish I were still living in a state of rushing and distraction but that's not my path. (okay, I still rush and distract a little but I am much improved)

I was meant to grow and so my head turns.

and I think
and I think
and I think.

All this thinking would be fine, healthy in fact if only I could infuse these pervasive thoughts with compassion or some degree of kindness which is challenging lately. Eventually, I get there but it takes a while and a few conversations with Stephanie. My bodybuilding coach would call this "splitting hairs" perfecting our processes and making them better.

I found this little pearl of calm swimming in my head the other day. My feelings are big because my heart is big, Those that I love, I love entirely. My cringe became a positive when I found that pearl.

I am embarrassed by my head noise, yet we all have very noisy heads. Some of us deny, channel, and distract but all of these heads we carry have tapes they play. As we age we collect wisdom, stories, and scars. Our stories change our direction, like a sailboat changing course to avoid another and we move on just in a different direction than the one we started on. We are still on the water just heading into unchartered water. If I shine that light on it, why wouldn't I feel uncomfortable? I am in a brand new boat in brand new water. (sounds like I found a little compassion there)

I recorded a podcast episode about self-love and perfectionism, after realizing it's something I struggle with, I decided to share my digging with anyone listening. In the digging, it occurred to me that when we love another person, we love them, all of them, flaws and all (at least that's how I chose to love) We don't love the person we want them to be, and then try and change them, to truly love, we love who they are in this moment. Well, if true then isn't it equally true that we need to love ourselves in the same way, with all of our muchness? I am in a state of healing and transforming, hopefully we all are.

Let me see if I can tie this into bodybuilding, hard pivot....

My worlds are somewhat disconnected. I am a very spiritual bougie hippie, my mission is to support women's strength and help women become empowered in the shoes they choose to walk in. I want to be a power of example and a resource for women and yet I am a bodybuilding competitor which can be a very unsafe sport. We spend months dieting to unhealthy levels of body fat and then we put on sparkly suits and clear heals and paint ourselves to look like Oompa. To the outside eye my sport is far from spiritual and yet to me it feels like such a catalyst for massive spiritual and emotional growth. I think it's the discomfort and the self-reflection that makes it feel healthy and wonderful to me. When I prepare for my shows, I choose to expose myself to discomfort for a very extended period. I remove so many vices and coping mechanisms. I have long said that the preparation for shows interests me more than the show itself. That part is just the finish line (okay, I admit, I love my suit). Each season I have prepared for has taught me lessons about me, my triggers, what makes me click, and how much can I expose myself to. In my life story thus far, the most growth has arrived as I have walked through the most pain. The more I am exposed to the kinder, softer, and wiser I become. The person I always thought I was is exposed.

I want to leave you with a pearl and I hope it will swim around in your head. As we move past our uncomfortable obstacles, they disappear. Think about that for a hot second. When an obstacle no longer stops you, the obstacle no longer exists.

You no longer Yo-yo.

You are free.

You evolved.

You moved past it.

Peace and Love,


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