In April of 2022, I wrote several blogs about my life transition as a newly separated single mom. Writing about all of the day-to-day challenges life was throwing in my path helped me to get perspective and give each experience some value. Most days I felt like I was drowning. Looking back I am not sure how I managed.
My friend heather had newborn triplets and a 1 year old and I remember asking her how the hell she managed her stress to which she and her husband responded "when its all you know, you manage" I got it. My experience of being a newly single mom (with 100% custody) felt insane but I somehow knew how to do it. The blogs I wrote at that time were all about trying to figure out how to fix the shit that kept breaking, frozen pipes, leaky drains, pool hoses that sprung leaks or what to do when your tires go flat in the middle of east bumblefuck. I was so overwhelmed while simultaneously marveling at my own strength. For years I feared ending my marriage and yet I did it, it didn't kill me; everything in the house started breaking, I handled it, it didn't break me. I lost half my business as I needed more time to parent my kids, I handled that too, It didn't break me.
None of it broke me because while all of this was happening the universe was sending me support in the form of friendships, angels, my friends are absolutely angels, Thank you universe. Although my marriage had ended and I was technically single I never felt less alone (in my marriage I mostly felt alone) With each serving of domestic fuckery I rose to the occasion. Today I sit in a different chair with different shoes a new confidence and a full and open heart.
Now that my earth stopped shaking, I love looking back not to dwell on pain but to marvel at how I emerged a almost two years later .
My dryer stopped working the other day, it had slowly been breaking down, but I kept vacuuming out the vent in hopes that would do the trick. But now it was so bad that I had to call a service company, they were very helpful and were able to come the very next morning, that problem would be solved. The other problem I have been dealing with isn't super urgent; my kitchen sink leaks; it has been for months. I have a few plumber friends, and it has been fixed 4x now. That fuckin thing is still leaking, I simply stuck a bowl under there, I am not stressing about it. Eventually, it will either get fixed or get worse at which case I am planning to pack my bags and move to Australia. Three mornings ago, I woke at my usual 4 a.m. and descended the stairs to feed the cats and make a fresh pot of coffee. As I went to throw out the filter from the day before, I saw something floating in the bowl of sink drain water. It was a dead field mouse just floating around surrounded by mouse poop confetti. I closed the cabinet and went upstairs to get ready for the gym, I would deal with that later. I secretly reveled in the fact that I was calm despite the mouse soup under my sink. After the gym I rushed home to meet the people coming to fix my dryer. They arrived promptly at 7:30, inspected my dryer for all of 10 minutes before they let me know that my dryer needed to be replaced and it shouldn't be used again because it was a fire hazard. Again, i was calm as i thanked them for their honesty, grabbed a coffee and ordered a dryer from Lowes that would be delivered and installed the next day. I was swimming these waters quite well. After ordering the dryer it was time to discard with the mouse soup. I swiftly grabbed the bowl and delivered the little mouse to his final resting place.
I remembered the days where I would refuse to walk in a room if I suspected a mouse was in it. I might actually consider selling my house. These days are different.
My final act of badassery was to get that pipe fixed. Well, this part wasn't exactly badassery if I am being honest. One of my dear friends is a plumber who came over that afternoon and fixed it for me. Nevertheless though, I facilitated the fixing of the pipe (thanks Pete. )
I felt unstoppable as my head hit the pillow that night.
Most days I am wrapped in confidence, I feel incredibly grateful and highly blessed. Even in the moments when the pain is choking me, and tears are flowing like a broken dam, I feel good, and I let them flow. I earned the tears and worked hard to have the courage to feel this shit and then write about it.
Health is expansive and moves well beyond the physical. Nutrition and fitness are easy for me as engagement in those practices has been in place for 32 years now and I feel mostly masterful . Emotional, mental, spiritual, and social health doesn't come as easy. I face overwhelming fear and anxiety as I navigate these waters. However, the longer I swim, the more familiar I am becoming. One day I hope to be as fluent in all of my health languages as I am with the language of physical health. Unless I make mistakes, fall, fail, quit, and recommit I will never be a masterful swimmer.
JUST KEEP SWIMMING
JUST KEEP SWIMMING
-Dory-
Peace and love,
Jess
