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It's me, Jessika, barefoot in the grass

I have not written my words in months for so many reasons. (strange since writing brings me the most joy),regardless, I put it down.

At first, I stopped because my world was spiraling faster than my fingers could type and then I got busy, much busier than usual, in retrospect I was trying to outrun a few things I wasn't ready to face. In the midst of the busy, I found some joy and then the joy kept multiplying so I decided to put everything down and breathe it all in. Inspired by the lyrics of a John Mayer song "didn't have a camera by my side this time, hoping I could see the world with both my eyes". I stopped it, all of it, growing my company, my website rebuild, my course development, my podcast, my suffocating and calculated social media posting, and My "Rock Bottom Miracles" project with Steph. I took off my shoes and began to walk barefoot in the grass. I was alive, truly alive, I was adventuring with Steph (aka bestie), who helped me onto my liferaft and welcomed me into her family, she had been by my side for years but I was changing therefore so was our friendship. I was more present, happier and I like to think a little less needy. I wasn't being hurt by anyone. I looked both ways before crossing the street and there were no shitty people anywhere, nobody was squishing me. I was safe, I exhaled into it. This has been a period that was most definitely deserving of some barefooted-ness.

With my new bare feet, I started to explore the space. Questions began to flood in.

What did I want?

Look at all these possibilities Jessika. Before me was an enormous blank canvas.

What did I like?

Did I even have social anxiety?

Did I like to dance?

Do I like where I live?

Do I maybe like goat cheese?

A little over two years ago I was writing blogs about my fear and doubt as I navigated my new single mom world. I cried a lot, more than I care to admit, okay I cried every day, my insides were shaking lose and taking a new form. I had Steph so it never seemed like more than I could handle. Everything I faced, we faced together,. Instead of "venting" We opted for healing. We incorporated any and every health practice we read about. Together, we read every book by Brene Brown, Gabby Bernstein, and Jay Shetty to speed up the healing process, and if that didn't work we went to the spa because that always worked.

As months passed more people showed up and started walking to the land of Oz with me. Enter my beloved gym crew. The bond I have with them is one I can't explain, I can just say that these friends wove into my heart immediately. It's just the universe doing its thing as it always does. My legs were getting stronger, I was plowing ahead. I had to stop everything and revel in this phase, it was fuckin great. John Mayer was right, no camera, no hustle, just savor.

And then came my first real test, love. I was knocked backward hard and fast. 5 degrees past confused, overthinking became an Olympic sport, I trained for about 8 months before my brain began to quiet itself. I didn't know why this guy showed up. it wasn't time I certainly wasn't done marinating. The moment the relationship started I felt like I was in a Cuisinart. I wrote one or two blogs in that phase of healing, they were really raw and so personal that it hurt after I shared them. Yup, I was getting my ass kicked. I decided it was best to process it with my friends and keep it to myself. I wrote in my book a bit but no more love blogs. I had a lot to explore, discover, undo, and uncover. I had been gifted with a beautiful challenge. After several long months, I could see, my skin stopped crawling, and I had changed even more. Still not ready to share any writing with the world but I started writing poems just like my dad used to do. My father was a gifted poet masquerading as a lawyer. Eventually, I found the courage to share a poem I had written about him, it didn't kill me.

I celebrated my 49th birthday last week. In my house were all of these people. Those who saved me. I had so many feelings that I wanted to write at that exact moment. What words could I use that would fit how I felt about these people? These relationships that were born from a time of hell? And now here they were, all in my house, and they were all friends and they were laughing and they all loved me. It was a barefoot-in-the-grass moment so I opted not to excuse myself to start typing away at this keyboard yet again. But, I knew it was time to get back to my words. So the gift I am giving myself this year is writing. It's time for me to describe the grass I walk around in. I feel ready to start writing the next chapter.

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