So, how did I do with all of the things I had laid out for myself on day one? Pretty solid, I accomplished all of it with the exception of running my family support group because I mixed up the day which is something I am doing constantly these past few weeks, stress related no doubt. I would say overall the day went well. I appreciated having my habits and my tasks. My workout was excellent, I deadlifted 300 lbs for 3 sets of 8 which felt really good, I felt immediately empowered.
All of my morning tasks were completed and it was now 1PM which meant it was time for me to tackle opening my pool all by myself, I was apprehensive and riddled with anxiety. Not everything that gives me anxiety me makes sense, I offer you the examples of skunks, the phone and going to the post office ( don't ask). My natural inclination is to avoid the things I don't feel proficient at but I desperately love the feeling of doing shit that scares me, I was not going to back down on this day, If there was a boxing match between me and the pool I was going to win it. I could feel the internal hesitation to go outside and get started, I had already visited the pool store and watched 2 you tube videos on pool vacuuming, how hard could it be? I threw on a pair of shorts, grabbed my speaker and a glass of wine and outside I went. The was a giant frog in the pool which freaked me out a bit but he looked happy so I decided to let him rock, he would keep me company on my mission. Where to begin? The cover was off, time to vacuum. I started connecting hoses to things following every instruction, it wasn't working, I stayed calm and started over at least 4 times before I jumped in the pool with my clothes on in an attempt to vacuum that way, my new frog friend was still in there vibing which made me extra bad ass in my mind. I found myself still unsuccessful after an hour I grabbed my phone and ordered a fancy schmancy new robotic pool vacuum, my birthday was in 3 days, I proceeded to checkout with joy. Since I was in the pool with my frog friend already, I decided it was time to scrub the walls next, There was a disgusting ring around the inside of the liner, I got it off but I unfortunately hurt my wrist which affected my bench press yesterday, win some lose some. I felt pretty good at this point. Next I was going to blow up the pool floats and get acquainted with the air compressor, I was feeling more empowered with each task I accomplished. After a few hours everything was set. However, there were leaves and crap all over the pool deck. I had ordered a rechargeable leaf blower that seemed a lot more manageable than the giant backpack one that I already had in the shed but it hadn't arrived yet. I didn't want to get involved in sweeping and moving every piece of pool furniture. Fuck this I thought, I can figure out how to use that back pack, I don't need anyones help, I have jumped out of planes, I had deadlifted 300 pounds that morning and I wasn't afraid of that frog who had now become my friend. I marched into the shed, grabbed the back pack and after a few failed attempts I started it up. Another fear conquered. The property was looking pretty pristine. The deal had always been that I was in charge of everything inside the house, I never messed with the outside. I had figured out that I could do both, the outside shit isn't that difficult, It will be a lot less difficult when my new pool vacuum gets here. My daughter got home from work and went right in the pool, I did that I thought. My fear didn't own me today and I made her happy, good job Yes, we are doing it.
The day wasn't over yet, I had a podcast meeting with Jen. Podcasting has been a long time goal of mine, another thing that terrifies me. Jen and I have started work on our podcast, The Integrated Human Alliance, but it's been on the shelf for the past 2 weeks because I have been in enough pain that I needed to give myself grace and take a few things off of my plate. Although I am still trudging through quicksand I made the decision to resume our podcast production. We had a zoom call at 6:15PM, I decided that rather than have the meeting in my office I would sit in the yard and soak in all the fears I tackled that day. It was a great meeting, we are recording episode #2 tomorrow, one step closer to launching (we are launching when we have 4 episodes in the tank)
Once my meeting with Jen concluded I stayed outside to reflect on my day. How did I feel? What did I learn? What do I want do next? I have to admit, I was pretty proud of all that I accomplished and of the fears I faced in a day. I did good with the things. But, I was still feeling awful, still shaking, still an emotional mess. I reflected on what was in my control and assessed in what ways I was contributing to my own suffering, re-reading painful texts, replaying painful memories and conversations in my head. Those were the things I wanted to work on next. It's okay to feel but not okay to wallow or dwell. It was time for me to move into acceptance. I wanted to be rating high frequency energy. I made the decision to turn my boat onto a different course.
I set my new boat course. It was time to shift my focus from the past to my present and my future. I will feel my feelings when they show up but no more seeking them out.
Time for a new playlist. Actually, literally, thats a good idea, I am going to make a playlist of songs that match this leg of my journey, called it swimming with frogs.
talk tomorrow, let's see what happens on day #3.
Peace,
Jess