Did I fail? What just happened?


Obstacles are a constant, that we can plan on. The severity may vary, we won't always be knocked to the ground but for sure we will feel turbulence. I don't know one damn person who isnt going through or just finished going through some type of struggle. It happens. I am in it now, deep in it. It hurts, days are long and pain is real. Every day feels like it lasts a week.



A few weeks ago I was riding high, I was feeling good and planned to start a little dieting, just for fun, so I designed my plan. I outlined all of my details, I was excited, eager,motivated, all of it. None of it was unreasonable based on the practices I was currently doing.


Here was my plan

  1. 5x weekly strength training

  2. 4x weekly peloton class

  3. 10, 000 steps daily

  4. 7-8 hours sleep nightly

  5. sun-thurs macros 125 carbs, 150 protein and 40 fats

  6. Friday and Saturday I would eat untracked but mindfully, pay attention to hunger, fullness and protein.


That was the plan, All of it fit my lifestyle and all was very doable.


Life hit me HARD in the face, like the Ivan Drago knockout in Rocky. I am surfing a tsunami wave and behind it seem to be a few more.


I am not new, I am 46 year old. I have been at this for years and I know how to navigate this space. I know how to adjust timelines, goals and steps to make room for the task at hand. First step, I had to strip back and look at my plan. I Couldn't manage everything I planned to do for my diet in the current situation. I wouldn't enjoy it (yes, I enjoy dieting)and didn't think it was healthy for me to force it when there were so many more pressing issues that needed my attention. I am a bodybuilder,that's my sport, that's not changing, my goals aren't going anywhere. What I can do right now in this space has to be adjusted, recalibrated. I stripped my plan down to the non negotiable. I asked myself what I NEEDED to do for me. What are minimums? What are the things that I do that are essential to my self care infrastructure?

I took most things off of the above list and then I added a few more.

  1. 5-6x weekly strength training

  2. Morning journaling and meditation

  3. daily writing

Those are my non-negotiables.

These things moved to a different shelf. These are the practices that I can do as opportunities present themselves.

  1. I do cardio when I have the time and desire

  2. I do 10,000 steps a day when the day allows

  3. I get 3 protein feedings a day and 5 fruits and veggies (this is doable most days)


I felt badly that I cant do as much social media shit as I probably shou, unfortunately my career demands that I use it but, fuck that social media marketing, I hate that crap anyway. Better leave that on a shelf for now.


It hit me this morning in the gym, stay transparent, use this experience to help anyone who is interested or who maybe could use the help. I don't want to be fake. I don't think I will be useful to anyone in this space taking pics of my meals or gym selfies. The thought of it makes me itch. When I am in the gym, that's my time, I don't want to take videos or selfies (unless my coach asks me for them). I need that time to breathe. My food, ehh, how is that really gonna help anyone? I eat the same shit, I have a good relationship with food, don't grind all the time, I am not prepping for a show right now so why would I? Better To keep those tools sharp for when I need them. I thought the best way to be of use was to show people how I navigate the thick and painful obstacles. I think it illustrates that it isn't an on or off track situation and that it's a situation where we adjust, move toward the middle, find the gray. That is how I can be most useful.


This morning I was driving over a bridge and I thought of my dad, he was a sailor. I Remember being out on the boat and the wind would change or we would drift off course or another boat could steal your wind (its true, he used to race, it was a thing), suppose one of those obstacles happened, would he jump off his boat into the Hudson and swim back to shore or would he tack, jibe and turn the boat to navigate the water and get the boat where it needed to go? It wouldn't really do him any good to sit in the boat and do nothing, he could have I Suppose. He quite literally could have just sat and let the water take him where it would. That outcome would have been potentially disastrous. Now, the whole time I was thinking about this I was thinking about me in the situation or you in whatever situation you might be in as you sit and read my ramblings.


If I am the sailor, what am I doing with my boat when the obstacle hits? jump and swim back? let the boat drift? adjust my sails and change direction? At some point in my journey I have done all of these things. I have the choice each day to do any of them. I have free will, so do you. We aren't on or off tracks, we are instead being presented with opportunities to adjust and when we do. That is what it means to live consciously.


I am just sad, it's not failing. It's surviving, planning for the long haul. I am a bodybuilder, I will be for many years to come. I want to be the oldest woman on stage one day so what's the rush? I have the time to take care of all of the situations at hand.


I feel like falling apart many times each day but I have been here before and I never fall apart. I anchor to my habits. I show myself love and grace. I don't expect that I should excel, that would be a rude and offensive expectation to have of myself in the state I am in right now. This mindset is how I stay in this space and why I will remain in this space for years to come.


May we all surrender and navigate the waters we sail today with dignity and care today.


"I can do hard things"
Glennon Doyle



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